From s-cwis.unomaha.edu!news.mtholyoke.edu!uhog.mit.edu!sgiblab!swrinde!pipex!uunet!world!megazone Tue Dec 13 21:49:05 1994 Newsgroups: rec.arts.anime.stories,rec.arts.animation,alt.tv.eek-the-cat Path: s-cwis.unomaha.edu!news.mtholyoke.edu!uhog.mit.edu!sgiblab!swrinde!pipex!uunet!world!megazone From: mfrose@umcc.umcc.umich.edu (Martin Rose) Subject: [FanFic] [Cross-parody] Hurt! Eekzer-One Message-ID: <3c7te3$7eo@umcc.umcc.umich.edu> X-World-Archive: Miscellaneous/hurt.eekzer-one.gz Sender: megazone@world.std.com (MegaZone) Organization: UMCC, Ann Arbor, MI, USA Date: Mon, 12 Dec 1994 23:50:35 GMT Approved: megazone@world.std.com Lines: 1184 Xref: s-cwis.unomaha.edu rec.arts.anime.stories:238 rec.arts.animation:5503 alt.tv.eek-the-cat:183 This was an intensely silly idea that solidified with a will of its own for no truly good reason, based solely on a poor pun on the title of a moderately-popular Japanese animated video (which is mentioned by name in the third script-paragraph below). If you're not familiar with Eek! the Cat, save this story and watch it this Saturday before reading. If you're not familiar with Iczer-1 ... well, I'd say you really aren't missing all that much, but feel free to read this anyway. :) ======================================================================== [It's a lovely spring/summer's day in the suburb of McTropolis where Eek's family lives. The sun shines cheerfully, the birds sing their happiest songs, and the occasional 18-wheeler charges by at speeds in excess of mach two. The front door of one house swings open, and Eek, smiling and optimistic as ever, steps out to greet the day with a Blockbreaker rental tape in his hand. Err, paw.] Eek: Kumbayah, what a gorgeous day! It's times like this when it's just great to be alive! Just you, the girl of your dreams, and a videotape of this really swell Japanese animation! [He holds up the cassette box. The title on the box reads: "FIGHT! ICZER-ONE"] Eek: Yes sir, the Japanese certainly have a way with using animation as a dramatic medium! Though I do have to wonder why that blonde woman wore her underwear _outside_ of her clothes ... and the giant robot seemed to be a bit of a silly device ... but, I suppose those are integral elements of this exotic and exciting art form. [Eek strolls nonchalantly across the street, only barely missing his chance to become one with the pavement at the wheels of two semis, three station wagons, a Formula One racing car and a runaway lawnmower.] Eek: I had so much fun watching this feature, I just have to share it with my girlfriend, Annabelle! I'm sure she'll appreciate the subtle artistic nuances, and maybe her keen feminine insight can explain just why all the people have those really big eyes. [Eek regards the large "BEWARE OF DOG" sign for a moment before he opens the front gate. He slips through the opening and looks around warily -- the coast seems clear. He relaxes and begins walking again, not even noticing the beady yellow eyes watching him from within the shadowy portal of a doghouse with the word "SHARKY" printed over its arch.] Eek: Boy oh boy, there's nothing better on a lovely day like today than sitting in a room and watching some rented video! Nothing could ruin a perfect day like this! [Eek stops cold, sweating profusely as Nothing growls at him. His entire field of vision is wall-to-wall sharkdog.] Sharky: (evil growl) Eek: (trying to look cheerful again) Why, hello there, Sharky! I, uh, don't suppose you'd care to join me and Annabelle in an afternoon of high-class, subtitled entertainment ... would you? (hopeful) Sharky: (growl intensifies) Eek: (gulp, nervous grin) I guess not. [Cue Eek theme/chase music. Eek bellows in a sustained scream as he runs for his life from Sharky's ravenous jaws. The chase takes the two of them on several laps through the yard, crashing through the fence into the next yard, up and down a massive oak which gets carved into a replica of Michelangelo's "David", back to the yard they started in (crashing through a different part of the fence, of course), and, finally, to the front door, where Eek pounds frantically with his fists, begging for entry. He pins his back to the door, quaking in terror as Sharky approaches, barking furiously, razor-sharp teeth gleaming in the midday sun... ...when the door is slammed open by an ENORMOUS pink Southern she-cat wearing a tutu-skirt and a yellow bow between her ears. Eek is inadvertantly crushed against the wall.] Eek: (muffled) *OOTCH!* Annabelle: H'llo? (looks down) Why, Sharky, you silly thing! What're you doin' knockin' on my door? [Sharky blinks up at her, wondering how any one person can be so imperceptive. Annabelle reaches down and pats him on the head.] Annabelle: Now you be a good little doggy an' stay out here an' keep an eye out for prowlers, okay? I'm goin' back inside t' watch the Power Rangers Independence Day Special! Evil Rita Repulsa's made a monster that looks just like the Statue a' Liberty! [Sharky rolls his eyes and walks away, shaking his head in disgust and grunting something unintelligible as Annabelle pulls the door shut. Eek, flattened and forgotten with the rental tape embedded in his face and chest, slumps down onto the porch. His world spins through blackness and color, and he dreams...] Wrong Side of the Ocean in association with Smalltime Writers, International presents a painful tale of Eek! the Cat HURT! EEKZER-ONE by Martin "PCHammer" Rose with special thanks to "Savage" Steve Holland, who has no idea I'm doing this [Our view pans through the star-pierced, ebony void of space, with the occasional planet and nebulosity entering and leaving view, as the faintly-echoing opening narration is read.] Voice of Eek: Space. Most of the universe is made up of space. Its vast, unknowable spaciness separates things that are here from things that are there. When the things that are there are bad things, then space is a good thing. But sometimes the bad things that are there make their way across space, and threaten the good things that are here. And when that happens, by golly, someone has to do something about it. Someone with the power to put things right, and to send the bad things that were there but came over here to scare the good things over here back over there where they belong. [The view stops panning when Earth is large and centered. The camera then pulls back to reveal that we're seeing Earth on a display monitor which is being observed by a group of five dark figures. The sharp-eyed can easily recognize the cute witch from "Halloweek" (who stands in front of the rest as their superior), the twin cat-babes from "Quadropedia", the Rat Pack leader from "Bearz N the Hood", and the bunny convict from "Cape Fur" without his cutie disguise. They are all costumed in tight one-piece metal swimsuits, each a different color, with leather gauntlets, armored shoulderpads, spandex leggings and spiffy boots for their new roles. They don't all look better for it.] Ratros Eternal (blue swimsuit): How much longer do I have to wear this stupid costume? I feel ridiculous! Energized Bunny (pink trunks): Hah! You should see how ya _look_! Ratros Eternal: (turns toward Bunny) Take that back, you! Energized Bunny: (flexes his massive arms, displaying the anchor tattoo on his bicep) I'd like ta see ya try ta make me! Witchzer-2 (green swimsuit, no hat, hair slicked back): Silence, you fools! Ratros Eternal: (ignoring Witchzer-2) I don't make trash, I burn it! Energized Bunny: (ditto) I'm rubber, yer glue, ya wimpy little mouse! Ratros Eternal: Am not! Energized Bunny: Are too! Ratros Eternal: Am not! Energized Bunny: Are too! [**ZAP!** That seems to have gained their attention.] Witchzer-2: (angry, her hand still smoldering slightly) E-NOUGH! We'll never be able to carry out the wishes of our Master if you two won't stop bickering! Ratros Eternal: Well, he started it! Witchzer-2: I don't care _who_ started it! Just be quiet! [Witchzer-2 turns around, facing an immense chamber filled with organic- looking cables and tendrils, pulsing and glistening with an overwhelming amber glow, like an evil remake of _On Golden Pond_. All the others are silent and entranced by the sight. She spreads her arms out as she speaks.] Witchzer-2: Give us your command, Big Shark, our great and powerful Master! We await your bidding to wreak havoc upon the weak, unsuspecting, _nice_ people of the cosmos! [In the center of the immense chamber is a translucent golden egg. Within is the form of a sharkdog, curled into a fetal position. It opens its burning yellow eyes and, with a voice that booms eerily through the chamber, it speaks.] Big Shark: *grr* *grr* *rk* *mm* *grr* [Well ... sort of.] [Scene change. Earth, from space, seems relatively placid and sedate, provided you ignore the signs of constant warfare all across its surface. Into this peaceful environment enters what appears to be a bolt of violet energy. It streaks through the void, heading directly for Earth ... for Japan ... for McTokyo. As it approaches the sidewalk just outside the grounds of a fenced-in school, we hear a familiar, panicked screaming sound growing louder and louder...] Voice: ....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-- [The bolt slams into the ground.] Voice: *OOF!!* [The energy instantly resolves into a small purple cat wearing large, black metal shoulderpads and boots, his head to the slightly-cracked pavement, his face conveying intense levels of pain. He slowly topples onto his back, then sits up, holding a paw to his head and groaning as his eyes swirl in a hypnotic pattern of red and white. He squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head vigorously; when he opens his eyes again, they've returned to normal.] Eekzer-1: Kumbayah, what a ride! I sure hope I've beaten the evil minions of Big Shark to this poor, defenseless planet. [Only now do we notice the military parade going on directly behind Eekzer-1, with enormous cannons, monstrous missiles, and futuristic tanks rumbling past.] Eekzer-1: I still need to find my bio-psionically-synchronized partner, Nagibelle, if I'm going to defend this world's innocent population against their evil plans. Good thing I have her picture right here. [Eekzer-1 takes a large photograph from a pocket in his fur, even though there is no visible seam. It's a full-figure portrait of a massive pink cat wearing an equally enormous sailor-suit school uniform with a yellow bow mounted between her ears. He smiles at the image.] Eekzer-1: Gosh, she looks swell. I hope I find her soon. Excuse me, kind sir! [Eekzer-1 points to a passerby who freezes and turns around nervously. He's a lanky blueish-gray cat, wearing dull red mittens and looking like he's had about three weeks' worth of caffeine this morning. His squeaky, terrified voice quivers as he responds.] Mittens: (fearful) You talkin' t'me, man? Eekzer-1: (still smiling cheerfully) Why, yes! I was wondering if I could ask your assistance in helping to avert a cosmic disaster on this very planet. Mittens: Disaster?!? Like no way, man, you ain't takin' me! I can't deal with stress! We're all gonna die, y'hear me, man? Game over, man! Eekzer-1: No, no, that's not what I meant! I just want you to help me find the beautiful girl chosen by Fate to be my partner in defense of this world! Mittens: (pause) Oh. Well, that's different, man, why didn'cha say so? What's she look like, man? Eekzer-1: Here's her picture. [Eekzer-1 hands the photograph to Mittens, who looks at it first closely, then at arm's length.] Eekzer-1: Isn't she lovely? Mittens: Like wow, man, she's like so ... fat. [Eekzer-1 takes the picture back and peers at it quizically.] Eekzer-1: (incredulous) Really? Mittens: Anyway, like yeah, man, she goes t'that school over there. You'll have t'like wait for her t'come out, though, man. They don't let _no_body out early, man, not even t'save the world. Eekzer-1: I see. Well, thanks for the help! [Eekzer-1 puts the picture away and strolls toward the school yard, wrapping his paws around the bars of the front gate as he looks through it.] Eekzer-1: Gee, what a swell-looking school! The perfect place for a lovely girl like Nagibelle. [And indeed it is. The main building is four stories tall and sturdy, with a clock tower in the center, directly above the main entrance. It appears to be a fully-enclosed campus, with three buildings connected by enclosed walkways, which are themselves lined with rooms. The yard itself is bustling with activity, with a soccer game taking up most of one side, and a group of runners just now passing the front gate, each wearing a simple white T-shirt and athletic shorts. The runners' coach, a previously unnoticed elk wearing a sweatshirt with "COACH ELMO" printed across the back, is standing with his back to the gate, one hoof on his hip and the other holding a clipboard.] Elmo: All right, kids, let's look sharp! Pick 'em up and put 'em down! [Elmo lifts a stopwatch, peers at it, and compares it with an entry on his clipboard. His brows knit in dissatisfaction.] Elmo: Hmm ... Takaya, you're going to have to train harder if you want to make the JV giant robot team! [An extremely pretty brunette runs past, somewhere in the middle of the crowd of runners.] Noriko Takaya: Hai, Kocchi! Elmo: And don't call me 'Coachie'! Eekzer-1: Excuse me, Coach Elmo, sir! [Elmo turns to face the gate and looks down at Eekzer-1.] Elmo: Why, hello there, kitty! What can I do for you today? Eekzer-1: I was wondering if you knew of a student at your school named Nagibelle. Here's a picture of her. [Eekzer-1 shows the photo to Elmo, who considers it carefully for a moment, then brightens.] Elmo: Ah, of course, Miss Nagibelle! She's one of the most popular girls in our school! In fact, there she is over there! [Elmo points toward the soccer field. Nagibelle, also in T-shirt and shorts, is playing goalie, and a mighty good one she is, since having her in front of the goal leaves no openings whatsoever. A few soccer balls bounce off of her to no effect. She's reading the latest issue of "Teen Cat" magazine, and not paying attention to the game.] Elmo: Yes sir, she's one of our school's star goalkeepers! Well, I'd better get back to my track team! So long, kitty! Eekzer-1: So long, Coach Elmo! And thanks! [Eekzer-1 waves farewell to Elmo, then gazes back toward Nagibelle. Hearts begin appearing and floating around him.] Eekzer-1: Gosh ... she's even more beautiful in real life. [Eekzer-1's eyes go dreamy, and he effortlessly drifts up and over the gate, descending back to ground level once he's past it. With a trail of dissolving hearts as his only exhaust, he floats across the schoolyard in a daze. His eyes are filled with visions of Nagibelle. She turns to him as she approaches, smiling, and she opens her mouth to say...] Nagibelle: (shrieking) LOOK OUT! [Eekzer-1 is startled out of his trance. He wasn't expecting a Japanese schoolcat to have a Southern US accent, either.] Eekzer-1: Huh? *UFF!!* [Eekzer-1 is creamed by a high-velocity soccer ball. He goes down onto his back, with a ring of soccer balls twirling above his head. A girl with red pig-tails runs up to him, looking cross.] Wendy Elizabeth: Hey, where'd this dumb cat come from? He ruined my perfect shot! [Another child, a boy with equally red hair, disagrees.] J.B.: He did not! You never had a chance against our goalie! Wendy Elizabeth: I did too! This shot would have been our first one ever to score against Nagibelle! J.B.: Maybe you would've had better luck if you'd hit the ball with that metal plate in your skull! Wendy Elizabeth: I do not have a metal plate in my skull! You're just jealous that I get better grades than you, dummy! J.B.: Plate-head! Wendy Elizabeth: Dummy! J.B.: Plate-head! Wendy Elizabeth: Dummy! [J.B. and Wendy Elizabeth walk off, arguing. Eekzer-1 sits up, shakes his head to clear it, and sees...] Eekzer-1: Nagibelle! Thank goodness, I've found you at last! [Nagibelle brightens as she looks in his direction, her eyes shining as she begins running forward.] Nagibelle: Oh, my darlin' ... where have you been all my life? [Eekzer-1 gets up and begins running toward the approaching Nagibelle, arms wide and smile wider. The music turns to a "Love Story" variant as the schoolgirl and the cosmic cat run closer ... and closer... ...and Eekzer-1 gets trampled underfoot as Nagibelle charges past (over!) him.] Eekzer-1: WAAGH!! [After a moment, Eekzer-1 rises from an Eekzer-shaped hole in the ground with a deep footprint in his stomach, groans a bit, and then turns to see the object of Nagibelle's affection: a food cart.] Nagibelle: (pointing as she speaks) ...an' I'll take five'a these, three'a these, seven'a those, a dozen'a those ... an' a diet soda. [Her arms loaded down with her culinary purchases, Nagibelle turns back to face the just-now-standing Eekzer-1. She's already hard at work moving her armload from outside to inside, via her mouth.] Nagibelle: (friendly) An' just who might you be, little cutie? Eekzer-1: Why, hello there! I'm Eekzer-1, a space-borne cat gifted with astounding cosmic powers and abilities far beyond those of ordinary mortal cats! And I've come here because of a dire threat to the innocent people of Earth! Nagibelle: (pauses her eating) That's mighty thoughtful of you ... I can't say that I've seen any terrible cosmic threats lately, though. I mean, who would want to hurt a planet that has li'l ol' me on it? (CHOMP) Eekzer-1: (gravely) I know it seems unthinkable, but it's true. I only learned of it a few hours ago through the Galactic Justice Council... [Ripple to flashback. First, we see the outside of what appears to be an observatory. The sign in front of it reads: "Professor Wiggly's Magic Planetarium of Justice". We then fade to an immense chamber whose walls are lined with wildly futuristic devices, the likes of which no Terran has ever seen before. In the center of this incredible technology, in the focus of several bright spotlights from high above, is a conference table surrounded by five high-backed chairs, with each chair bearing a unique insignia in a circle. All the chairs are presently occupied by four small pastel-colored bears and a short scientist with a white moustache, all of whom are presently discussing very dire concerns, and all of whom have small, unidentifiable objects lying on the table before them. The scientist is speaking.] Professor Wiggly: So you see, my friends, our intelligence information is unmistakable! [Professor Wiggly holds up a copy of the latest Interstellar Enquirer. Its headline reads: "Galaxy In Deep Doo-Doo!" A smaller headline farther down: "Elvis Linked To UFO Disappearances!"] Professor Wiggly: The evil Big Shark has assembled his forces and is about to make his move! The fate of the very Universe hangs in the balance! Puffy: Gosh, Professor, what sort of plan do they have? Professor Wiggly: I cannot say for certain. All I can say is that whatever they're up to will be very deeply involved with a planet known only as Earth! [Professor Wiggly tosses the newspaper out of view and pulls down a roll-up image of Earth, swatting it with a long, hand-held pointer.] Cozy: Well, gee, that seems silly! Earth must be one of the most undeveloped planets in the Galaxy! Wuz-Wuz: Yeah! They haven't even perfected space travel yet! Pierre: Zhey spend all of zheir time fighting each ozhere! What value could such a place have to zhe Galaxy? [Professor Wiggly releases the bottom of the map, which instantly flutters and rolls back up, flapping several times.] Professor Wiggly: Earth's population may seem backward to advanced beings such as ourselves, but you must remember that it is teeming with the very life-energy upon which our entire civilization is based! If Big Shark were to gain control of such an energy source, he could go on an unstoppable rampage of conquest! Cozy: (resolutely) You're right, Professor! We have to defend the citizens of Earth, no matter how stupid they may be! Puffy: But we can't send our space fleets to defend Earth ... that might scare them, and that would be a _bad_ thing! Professor Wiggly: You're right, of course. That's why I've called in our most powerful special agent for the job! Wuz-Wuz: You mean...? [As if on cue, there is a knock on the door to the chamber. It slides open, and Eekzer-1 steps in.] Eekzer-1: Hi there, Professor Wiggly! I came as soon as I got your summons. Now, what seems to be the problem? [The door behind Eekzer-1 slides shut.] Professor Wiggly: Eekzer-1, it's so good of you to come on such short notice! The Galaxy is once more in grave danger from the forces of the evil Big Shark, and you are our only hope! Eekzer-1: Big Shark, eh? What sort of diabolical scheme does that fiend have in store this time? Professor Wiggly: We aren't completely sure, but we think he may be trying to take over the small, primitive planet called Earth to usurp its incredible life-force power for himself! Eekzer-1: Kumbayah, that's awful! Hmm, Earth ... that's quite a long ways away. It'd take me a long time to get there, and Big Shark might have already made his move by then! Pierre: Do not worry, mon kitty! We will be able to get you zhere in time! Puffy: We can load you into Professor Wiggly's Magic Howitzer and blast you to Earth so fast, Big Shark won't even know you're there! Professor Wiggly: I know it's not the most comfortable means of travel, but this is an emergency, after all. Eekzer-1: Comfort can't be a concern if the fate of all life rests in the balance, Professor! If we're going to beat Big Shark to the punch, we'd better get going! [Professor Wiggly and the Squishy Bears lead Eek to the Magic Howitzer, which is at one end of the room and aimed out the skylight.] Professor Wiggly: Now, when you reach Earth, you'll have your full Eekzer powers at your disposal, but in order to use your mighty Eekzer Robo, you'll need a specifically synchronized partner as a conduit for the life-energy it needs to operate. I've already located such a being on Earth; it happens to be a schoolcat by the name of Nagibelle. Here's a picture of her. [Professor Wiggly hands Eekzer-1 the photo of Nagibelle.] Professor Wiggly: It is essential that you locate her quickly, before she can fall into the hands of Big Shark's evil minions! If they should capture her first, the outcome could only be disasterous! [Eekzer-1 looks at the picture.] Eekzer-1: Gosh, what a swell girl. Don't you worry, Professor! I'll make sure that Nagibelle remains safe! [Eekzer-1 tucks the picture into the unseen pocket in his fur. Pierre extends a cute little paw toward him.] Pierre: Good luck, mon kitty! Zhe fate of zhe galaxy is in your hands! I do not know what we would do wizhout your help! [Eekzer-1 accepts the paw, shaking it with a smile.] Eekzer-1: It's no trouble at all! It never hurts to help! [The Squishy Bears grab Eekzer-1, who suddenly looks quite nervous. Professor Wiggly opens the rear of the Magic Howitzer, and the bears jam the purple feline into it. It's a rather tight fit, and Eekzer-1 doesn't quite make it all the way in -- his tail is still hanging out.] Eekzer-1: MMF!! [Professor Wiggly slams the hatch shut, catching Eekzer-1's tail, which spasms ramrod-straight as he screams.] Eekzer-1: *OOOOOOW!!* [Professor Wiggly wraps his hand around a large lever. On the console directly above it is printed: "FIRE"] Professor Wiggly: Farewell, brave cat! The hopes of civilization as we know it go with you... [*Pull!* **BLAM!!** The Magic Howitzer recoils from the blast, and Eekzer-1, visible only as a bolt of violet energy, goes streaking off to the stars.] Eekzer-1: OHH GOSH IT HUUUUURRRRrrrrtssss.... [Professor Wiggly and the Squishy Bears wave goodbye for a little while before returning to the conference table. They take the small, unidentifiable objects into their cute little paws and study them carefully. Wuz-Wuz turns to Pierre.] Wuz-Wuz: Got any threes? Pierre: Go fish. [Ripple out of flashback. Eekzer-1 turns to face Nagibelle and smiles up at her.] Eekzer-1: And that's how I came to meet you, Nagibelle. To think that I would land right outside your very school -- it must be our destiny to fight Big Shark together. I must admit, it'll be a real honor to fight evil with someone as lovely as you by my side. [Nagibelle gulps down the last of her purchases.] Nagibelle: (mouth still slightly full) Oh, Eekzer-1, you say the sweetest things! [Nagibelle reaches down, picks up Eekzer-1, and is about to kiss him... ...when the sky suddenly turns dark.] Eekzer-1: (startled) Huh? [Eekzer-1 and Nagibelle begin looking around as lightning flashes through the sky. All activity in the schoolyard, and the school itself, has stopped; all the people in the soccer team, the running team, the remedial breathing team, the chess team, the nerd-pounding team, and every class are looking up at the ominous cloud cover. Nagibelle puts Eekzer-1 down on his feet.] Eekzer-1: Hmm ... curious weather we're having. [Not two seconds after this is said, a bolt of green lightning strikes the ground several yards in front of Eekzer-1 and Nagibelle! Instead of merely vanishing, though, it rapidly re-forms and fades, to become Witchzer-2!] Witchzer-2: Ha ha haa! Eekzer-1: Kumbayah! It's the leader of Big Shark's minions! Witchzer-2: That's right, Eekzer-1! You're too late to stop us from taking over this pathetic planet! Eekzer-1: (determined) It's never too late to stop bad people from doing bad things, Witchzer-2! Now that I've found my biopsionic partner on this world, your evil plans are doomed to fail! Witchzer-2: We shall see, Eekzer-1! [Witchzer-2 becomes a bolt of green energy and races away. Eekzer-1 runs several steps forward, then stops.] Eekzer-1: I have to find out what kind of malicious scheme Big Shark has for this poor world so I can save its inhabitants! [Eekzer-1 scans the skyline. Abruptly, one of the tall buildings in the distance shudders and keels over sideways.] Eekzer-1: Kumbayah, they're attacking the city! Nagibelle: (frantic) You just gotta do something, Eekzer-1! Stop those horrible people before they destroy my favorite mall! [Eekzer-1 turns to face Nagibelle, smiling confidently, eyes closed.] Eekzer-1: Don't you worry, Nagibelle! In a moment, my mighty robot Eekzer Robo will be here, and we'll save your mall together! Nagibelle: (panicked) EEEEEEEK! Eekzer-1: Gosh, I'm flattered that you've given me a pet name already, Nagibelle! After all, we've only just met-- [Nagibelle turns and runs.] Nagibelle: LOOK OUT! [Eekzer-1's eyes open in bewilderment. He has suddenly detected a loud whistling noise.] Eekzer-1: Huh? [Eekzer-1 quickly scans around himself, and sees that he's in the center of a large and growing shadow. He looks up...] Eekzer-1: (wild take) WAAAAAAH!! [Eekzer Robo, a forty-foot-tall purple-and-yellow bipedal mechanoid, lands with a thundering crash precisely where Eekzer-1 was when he summoned it. The dust slowly settles around its landing site and eventually dissipates, leaving it standing, tall and proud, with its pilot crushed underfoot. Nagibelle begins wandering toward it.] Nagibelle: Eekzer-1? Yoo-hoo? Where are you? [Hearing no reply, she looks mournful.] Nagibelle: Oh, dear, whatever shall become of us? The evil alien menace has come, and our valiant defender is nowhere to be found! Oh, woe and despair! [Twin bolts of red and black energy strike the ground near Nagibelle, and quickly resolve into the twin cat-babes, dressed in red and black, respectively. A dissonant electric guitar cries out as they, err, speak.] Sir Scarlet: (rock-opera singing voice) The fate of your weak people is the least of your concerns, girl! Sir Ebony: (rock-opera singing voice) We'll see how mighty your defender is without your power, girl! Both Sirs: Yeah! [Nagibelle backs away from the Sirs, frightened and confused.] Nagibelle: Power? What are you talkin' about? I'm just a li'l ol' schoolcat! Sir Scarlet: (rock-opera singing voice) You'll never see the change you could have made in your world, child! Sir Ebony: (rock-opera singing voice) Your mighty Eekzer-1 will never see you again, child! Both Sirs: Yeah! [At this, they lunge forward, striking Nagibelle in the stomach with their fists ... and rebound several yards backward. Nagibelle, completely unaffected by their attack, screams.] Nagibelle: Help me, Eekzer-1! Save me! Oh, won't some brave soul come to my rescue? [Nagibelle continues to scream in panic as the Sirs repeatedly try and fail to subdue her. At length, they collapse in exhaustion, and three more bolts of energy (green, blue and pink) land nearby, becoming Witchzer-2, Ratros Eternal and the Energized Bunny, respectively. If nothing else, at least this causes Nagibelle to be quiet. Witchzer-2 looks down at the exhausted Sirs with disgust.] Witchzer-2: Can't you two do _anything_? [The Sirs stand up, joining the small cluster of evil. Witchzer-2 poses evilly for a moment before pointing forward.] Witchzer-2: All right, cat, you asked for it! Operation Forklift! [All five spring forward, taking positions underneath Nagibelle's immense frame. They lift her in unison.] Group: *HEEEEAVE!!* Witchzer-2: (straining) Success! Now, return to Big Shark's lair, before our backs give out! Nagibelle: Eekzer-1! HELP MEEEEEEEeeeeeeee... [Nagibelle's cry echos into the distance as the five turn to their energy states and carry her off into space. (Don't ask how she'll survive the trip. It's a cartoon, for pity's sake.)] [Scene change. Eekzer-1 is grimly surveying the damage wrought by the brief visit of Big Shark's minions. A 50-story skyscraper has been toppled onto an entire row of mini-malls; shattered concrete, splintered wood, and several million deceased relatives of Shardy, the Magical Piece of Glass, are scattered and piled all around. Eekzer-1 bends down, lifting a pocket protector full of broken pens.] Eekzer-1: Such utter, wanton destruction ... not even the hapless employees of Radio Shack were safe from Big Shark's wrath. [Eekzer-1 throws the pocket protector back into the rubble.] Eekzer-1: Who can say what those villains will do when they return? Without Nagibelle to power Eekzer Robo, I'll be in no position to stop them! [A large mound of rubble stirs slightly, and a voice with a Tennessee drawl emanates from somewhere beneath it.] Voice: Hey, somebody get me outta here, man! [Eekzer-1 turns toward the speaking pile, surprised.] Eekzer-1: Kumbayah, there's a survivor trapped beneath the wreckage! Hang on, sir! I'll get you free in a jiffy! Voice: Hurry it up out there, man! I can't find a single jelly donut down here! [Eekzer-1 uses his amazing Eekzer strength to toss the pile aside, piece by piece. Eventually, he's cleared enough to reach into the shallow pit he's created and pull out his quarry -- a rather plump cat, though not nearly so as Nagibelle, with dark glasses, a tall "greaser" hairdo, and a white sequinned jumpsuit.] Eekzer-1: There you go, sir! You're free! Melvis: Thankyaverymuch, little pussycat. I tell ya, that was one scary situation. One minute, I'm signin' copies of my latest album an' eatin' jelly donuts -- next thing y'know, the ceilin's comin' down t' get close an' personal. I owe you my life, man. Eekzer-1: Think nothing of it, my good man. Say, aren't you Melvis, the international rock-and-roll legend? Melvis: Indeed I am. Got anythin' t' eat? I'm famished, man. Eekzer-1: I believe you may be in luck -- I noticed that the toppling skyscraper appears to have missed a donut shop about a block over that way. [Eekzer-1 jabs a thumb in the proper direction. Melvis nods.] Melvis: That's two I owe ya, pussycat. Anythin' you need from me, you just ask. [Eekzer-1 waves farewell as Melvis waddles off toward the donut shop.] Eekzer-1: My pleasure, Mr. Melvis! It never hurts to help! [Eekzer-1 stops waving once Melvis is out of earshot.] Eekzer-1: Gosh. Who'd think that a living legend of music like Melvis would be such a personable fellow in real life? I guess it just goes to show how good people can be when you give them a chance. [As Eekzer-1 speaks, we see a pickup truck squeal to a halt in front of a damaged appliance store in the background. Two men get out, empty the store's undamaged merchandise into their truck in a matter of moments, set its remains afire, and drive away, tires screaming nearly as loudly as the store owner, who runs out, shaking his fists at them.] Eekzer-1: By golly, I'll do whatever I can to save the kind, generous, warm-hearted people of this planet! I'll give my all to find Nagibelle and set things right, so all these creatures can live in peace and harmony! [Eekzer-1 turns and cries out to the heavens, one paw-fist upraised.] Eekzer-1: Don't worry, brave Nagibelle! The time of your rescue is close at *OOF!* [A heavy boot flies in and strikes Eekzer-1 squarely in the face, knocking him down.] Angry Voice: AHHH, SHADDAP AWREADY! [A window slams shut.] [Scene change. The four lesser minions of the evil Big Shark are gathered around a terrified Nagibelle, each laughing evilly while holding a flashlight under their chin. She repeatedly whirls and screams at the sights.] Sir Scarlet: (sneering) Haaaa! Nagibelle: Eeeee! (whirl) Ratros Eternal: (sneering) Ha-haaaa! Nagibelle: Eeeee! (whirl) Energized Bunny: (sneering) Booga booga! Nagibelle: Eeeee! (whirl) [You get the idea. Abruptly, the overhead lights snap on, completely ruining the effect for the bad guys.] Ratros Eternal: Hey, who's the wise guy? [Witchzer-2 is standing in the doorway, with her hand on the light switch.] Witchzer-2: You fools! What do you think you're doing? Sir Ebony: (evil grin) We were just havin' some fun with our guest. Witchzer-2: And what if she fainted? Do _you_ want to carry her? [All four flunkies go wide-eyed at the thought, which, apparently, hadn't occurred to them previously. Witchzer-2 marches up to Nagibelle, regarding her with a fierce snarl.] Witchzer-2: Now, you overfed feline, you'll discover the true power of Big Shark! Nagibelle: (courageous) You can't scare me, you ... you villain! My brave and cute Eekzer-1 will come to my rescue! [Witchzer-2's snarl turns to a sneer.] Witchzer-2: Yes! And when he does, _you_ will help us destroy him! Nagibelle: Never! Witchzer-2: You have no choice! Follow me, and see the Master who you soon shall serve! [Witchzer-2 whirls and strides out of the room, with Nagibelle and the others close behind. But not _too_ close.] [Scene change. Witchzer-2 leads Nagibelle and her four associates into an enormous chamber. Its amber glow lends a sickly golden hue to everything within. Witchzer-2 strides confidently up to the railing beside a cliff and gestures toward the mass of amber tendrils, and, more to the point, Big Shark's cocoon at their center.] Witchzer-2: Behold, future slave! Behold the awesome power of Big Shark! [Nagibelle, crowded forward by the other goons, walks timidly up to stand beside Witchzer-2.] Nagibelle: (fearful) Oh, my! This is terrible! We're all doomed! [Witchzer-2 puts her hands on her hips and looks smug.] Nagibelle: This big ol' omelette's gonna spoil if y'all don't get it in a refrigerator! [Witchzer-2 scowls and smacks her forehead with the heel of her hand. Pushing Nagibelle aside, she spreads her arms and speaks to the omelette.] Witchzer-2: We have done as you commanded, O mighty Big Shark! The biosynchronized partner of Eekzer-1 is here, and awaits your command! Nagibelle: (indignant) I do _not_! Witchzer-2: (sneeringly) She could also use some obedience training. (serious again) Give us your order, great and powerful Master! [All present gaze with awe as the gleaming golden eyes of Big Shark open. The chamber resonates with his powerful voice once more...] Big Shark: *grr* *mm* *rk* *grr* *grr* [Witchzer-2 nearly falls over, but recovers quickly and whirls on her subordinates.] Witchzer-2: Well, don't just STAND there, you imbeciles! You heard Big Shark! Get him a POT ROAST! A *BIG* POT ROAST! *NOW*! [The four underlings begin climbing frantically all over each other as they scramble to meet Big Shark's demand. Soon, they are stampeding toward the door. So panicked are they, however, that they don't even notice the bolt of violet energy which races in from the hallway, materializing at the portal into the furry form of Eekzer-1, standing valiantly with one triumphant paw upraised.] Eekzer-1: Never fear, Nagibelle! Your rescue is... [Eekzer-1 suddenly realizes that his timing could stand some improvement.] Eekzer-1: (wild take) WAAAAAA!! *OOF! OUCH! EEP! GOSH!* [Though he is now trampled to a purple pancake, Eekzer-1's paw is still upraised.] Eekzer-1: (whimper) ...at hand... Nagibelle: Oh, my brave hero! Witchzer-2: Eekzer-1! How did you find us? [Eekzer-1 has, in the brief time taken to cut back to Nagibelle and Witchzer-2, recovered.] Eekzer-1: (dramatic) Actually, a pair of courageous space explorers were able to give me directions to this cleverly-concealed lair. How they ever saw through your camouflage is a mystery, but their straight and true guidance has brought me into the hand of destiny! [Cut to a spaceship, flying past several immense, arrow-shaped signs (they are flying in the direction opposite the arrows) reading: "SECRET HEADQUARTERS - NEXT RIGHT" "ONLY 10 LIGHT-YEARS TO BIG SHARK'S LAIR!" "BIG SHARK'S BEAUTY SPA AND GALACTIC CONQUEST HEADQUARTERS". Within the ship are two men, both heavily-bearded and wearing rather primitive animal skins. One is rather short and chubby, while the other is tall and lanky. The short one, seated at the controls, is speaking.] Scooter: (cheerful) Gee, Bill, I think helping that cat was one of the best things we've done all day! It always gives me such a warm feeling to help out a fellow being in need. Bill: (grumpy) That's WONderful, Scooter. Now can you tell me if you've figured out how to use this thing to FIND US SOMETHING TO EAT, I'M STARVING!! Scooter: Oh, pishaw, Bill. Here, we'll try out one of these buttons to take your mind off of food! It'll be fun, okay? [Scooter examines the control panel for a button he hasn't pressed yet. His eyes settle on the one labeled: "HYPER-DIAPER-DRIVE"] Scooter: I wonder what _this_ one does. [Scooter presses the button experimentally. The ship instantly leaps forward at Ludicrous Speed, throwing Bill, who wasn't seated, against the back wall of the cockpit and embedding him several inches therein.] Scooter: WHEEEEEE!! Bill: (pained grunt) ...when ... does ... the hurting ... stop...? [Cut back to Eekzer-1, Nagibelle and Witchzer-2 in Big Shark's chamber. Eekzer-1 runs up to stand beside Nagibelle, only a copule steps away from Witchzer-2, and takes her hand.] Eekzer-1: And now that I've regained my partner, I can once more call upon the power of my mighty Eekzer-Robo! Come on, Nagibelle! [Witchzer-2 poses derisively as Eekzer-1 leads Nagibelle back toward the door.] Witchzer-2: You weaklings can't escape from us! What hope could your pathetic robot stand against the awesome power of Big Shark? [Eekzer-1 and Nagibelle are now at the doorway, and they turn to face Witchzer-2.] Eekzer-1: Actually, it wasn't Big Shark I was aiming for. You see, Witchzer-2, through Eekzer-Robo I can focus and control the most awesome, irrepressible force in the cosmos! [Witchzer-2 folds her arms defiantly, not noticing the faint, growing whistling sound from somewhere above her.] Witchzer-2: And which force is _that_? Magnetism? Velcro? Eekzer-1: Gravity. Witchzer-2: _What?!_ [Witchzer-2 is cut off by the sudden crunch of something HUGE crashing through the ceiling. Her head snaps up...] Witchzer-2: (wild take) AAAAAAAAA-- [*SMASH!* Witchzer-2 is silenced (and buried) under several dozen tons of ceiling and purple mechanoid.] Nagibelle: Oh, my brave hero, you have saved me from those awful, evil people! Eekzer-1: We're not out of the nebula yet, Nagibelle! The henchpeople may be gone, but Big Shark is still alive! [Eekzer-1 points out into the center of the amber octopus, where Big Shark still lies in wait. His eyes are open and glowing with rage.] Big Shark: *rk* *grr* *grr* *mm* Eekzer-1: That's right, you fiend! I've come to thwart your evil plot to destroy the universe! Big Shark: *grr* *mm* *grr* *grr* *rk* *mm* *grr* Eekzer-1: (taken aback) Help you? Why would I ever wish to do such a thing? The universe is full of so many wonderful things and good people! Why would you ever think to destroy it?? Big Shark: *grr* *grr* *rk* *grr* *rk* *mm* Eekzer-1: (thoughtful) Gee, I ... never thought of it that way before. There _have_ been an unusually large number of mini-malls sprouting up lately... Big Shark: *mm* *rk* *mm* *grr* *grr* Eekzer-1: (determined) I'm sorry, but your methods are just too cruel and extreme! I'm sworn to protect the innocent denizens of the galaxy, whether they willingly shop at adhesive-tape boutiques or not! I must stop you! Come on, Nagibelle! [Eekzer-1 lifts Nagibelle in his arms--] Eekzer-1: (crunching noises, gritted teeth) *NNNNNGH!!* [--and leaps up into the cockpit of Eekzer-Robo. Within the cockpit are a pilot's seat, with a pair of red-button-topped joysticks in front of it, and a passenger's couch, which has an immense impression-silhouette of Nagibelle on it, with the head labelled "+" and the other end labelled "-".] Eekzer-1: You sit back there, Nagibelle! With your hidden power driving us, we'll be unstoppable! Nagibelle: I'll be your li'l ol' battery of love, my brave Eekzer-1! [Nagibelle picks up Eekzer-1, gives him a big *SMOOCH*, sets him back down, and seats herself on the silhouette -- perfect match. Eekzer-1 staggers into the pilot's seat with hearts whirling around his head. Once there, he shakes his vision clear, grips the joysticks and prepares to attack. He looks at the viewscreen before him, out over the cliff into Big Shark's 'nest'... ...to discover that Big Shark's translucent egg is now cracked, leaking, and empty.] Eekzer-1: (confused) Huh? [A large down-arrow, with the words "DOWN HERE STUPID", appears in the viewport. Eekzer-1 manipulates the joysticks -- we cut outside to see Eekzer-Robo beginning to bend over and look down -- until his viewscreen can see the robot's feet. There, gleaming in brilliant gold with furious eyes of burning golden-white, is the now-hatched Big Shark.] Big Shark: (cosmic growl) [Eekzer-Robo waves a nervous hand and steps backward.] Eekzer-1: (nervous smile) Um ... I don't suppose we could talk this over some more... [Big Shark steps forward, his aura intensifying, and Eekzer-Robo takes another step backward.] Big Shark: (*COSMIC GROWL*) Eekzer-1: (gulp) I guess not. [Cue theme/chase music again. Eekzer-Robo whirls and runs, arms outstretched in panic, as Eekzer-1 screams his lungs out. Big Shark is right behind him, barking and snarling in his rage. After they've run a few laps around the mezzanine, Big Shark leaps forward and sinks his teeth into Eekzer-Robo's can. Sparks sizzle, and the robot begins to topple.] Eekzer-1: (pausing in his screams of terror to look over the edge) My, what a long way down. [Eekzer-1's scream resumes as the robot, with golden sharkdog attached at the derriere, falls off the platform and plummets downward. Its arms flap madly, just as Eekzer-1's are doing. They fall, and spin, and fall, and spin, and fall... ...the spinning begins to take on a colorful pattern of its own, and then all reality begins to ripple, until we see Annabelle's concerned face, shaking the current point-of-view.] Annabelle: Eek, honey, wake up! [Eek's eyes open, and he shakes his head blearily.] Eek: Guh ... gosh, it was all a dream! Annabelle: (relieved) Oh, Eek, you're finally awake! I was afraid I'd have to return this tape you rented for you -- it's due back at the video store in an hour! Eek: An hour? [Eek checks his wristwatch.] Eek: Kumbayah, I'd better hurry! Thanks, Annabelle! [Eek grabs the tape and runs back out through Annabelle's yard, slowing to a brisk walk once he's out on the sidewalk.] Eek: Gee, that was one bizarre dream. All those cosmic beings and strange powers ... and that giant robot, Eekzer-Robo! [Eek strikes a pose, pausing to announce the name "Eekzer-Robo!" aloud. He then snickers slightly.] Eek: It all seems really silly, now that I can look back on it. It's a good thing I never have to worry about the fate of the galaxy here in McTropolis! There's nothing more to be concerned about here than the dire threat of a late fee on an overdue videotape. [Eek snickers again, but pauses, suddenly aware of a descending, whistling sound.] Eek: Huh? [Eek realizes he's standing in the middle of a large and growing shadow. He looks up...] Eek: (wild take) WAAAAAAAAAAAH!! [**CRUSH.**] [The End.] ======================================================================== Comments are welcome, of course. Especially the ones telling me I should be institutionalized. :) -- The High Diggy-Hoek of Chihuahua-Wala Land (or Martin Rose, if you must) --------------------------- mfrose@umcc.umich.edu --------------------------- Truth is stranger than Fiction ---------------- Stupid is a boundless concept The Limbaugh Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies: Ann Arbor Division