Message #434 (436 is last): Date: Mon Jun 19 16:07:24 1995 From: grimlock@u.washington.edu (David Filip) Subject: OJMTF To: ev322@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Suzanne M. Ferree) OJ Master Transformers: The Commercial Parody by David Filip written 3/10/95 The Transformers: Generation Two toy line does not seem to be as successful as its predecessor, so I wrote a short commercial for Hasbro's new TF line. All of the characters in this commercial belong exclusively to Hasbro, so you can spread it around as much as you like as long as there is no profit on my part. Marcia Clark, Robert Shapiro, OJ Simpson, Lance Ito and the others have all sold their likenesses to Hasbro for the production of these fine toys. As if you didn't expect that already? (Shapiro asks his fellow layers if they should have signed the contract with Hasbro. F. Lee Bailey looks up and says "you should not question their wisdom forevermore. We belong to them.") Scene: (kids are playing with new TFs that feature many small transformable items some launching missiles, and many smaller "characters." There are also some live action scenes of people talking in a famous courtroom. A wild guitar plays in the background while the vocalists enter the audio portion of the scene) Singers: OJ Master Transformers! More than meets the eye! Announcer: Enter the world of OJ Master Transformers! It is a world transformed, where lies are not what they seem, and in this courtroom YOU control the verdict! OJ Masters include special characters, launching missiles with a "motion to suppress" and special transforming evidence that is truly more than meets the eye! (Cut to scene of kid playing with a repainted white Trailbreaker) Announcer: Al Cowling is binary bonded to Trailbreaker! He comes with special OJ passport, escape money and cel' phone, and Trailbreaker is equipped with special low-speed booster rockets! Singers: Transformers! Announcer: Prosecuting attorney Marcia Clark is binary bonded to Wreck-Gar! She moves with a motion to strike the witness...with her launching cluster bomb! (cut to animated scene) Wreck-Gar: (shaking his head with a smile and imitating the Brady Bunch) "Marsha Marsha Marsha!" Announcer: But star witness Rosa Lopez is binary bonded to Skywarp! Rosa: "!Skywarp, este es muy mal! !Telaporta me a El Salvador! !Rapido, rapido!" Singers: TRANSFORMERS! MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE! (Kids play with the toys in this next scene) Announcer: Now lead attorney Robert Shapiro is binary bonded to Swindle! He comes with special funnel that siphons money directly from OJ's wallet! (quietly) OJ figure sold separately. Swindle: (in the animated scene Robert Shapiro struts for the camera before transforming into Swindle's gun. Swindle has a "Shapiro Rules" sticker on his chest). "We'll do whatever it takes to win this case!" (Swindle shoots all over the room) Announcer: Coming to charge the courtroom debate with excitement is Johnny Cochran! He comes with a special card that helps you make up wild excuses and alibies at home! He's binary bonded to Starscream, who also makes excuses! (kids press a button on his back and Starscream says "Megatron lost the evidence!") Only your special perjury detector (sold separately) can find the truth! Announcer: But they'd better watch out when rogue cop Mark Furman takes the stand! He comes with defensive police barricades that fire fusion missiles! Furman (dressed like the Punisher): All must pay! No escape for the guilty! (fusion missiles are fired into the jury box) Announcer: He's binary bonded to Prowl, who features special bloody glove replicating devices! Prowl: Officer Furman isn't a racist. Is he? (as Prowl transforms you can see his license plate, and it says "I am not a racist.") Announcer: And Perceptor, Los Angeles' finest scientist is binary bonded to Ben and Jerry! They come with real transforming ice cream, that changes when exposed to high temperatures! Kid: (looking at a tiny bit of melting ice cream on Perceptor's microscope tray) Wow! It really melts! Singers: OJ Master Transformers! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Announcer: Hospitalized legal legend F. Lee Bailey comes with his own real working pace maker and is binary bonded to the evil Lawyercon leader, Laserbeak! Lawyercons are evil robots and tapes that transform into money-grubbing vultures and back! Each has a special compartment for withholding evidence! (cut to scene where a small manila envelope with a knife in it is put into a modified Buzzsaw vulture's back, and then the compartment closes and the vulture launches three shoulder mounted gatling gun missiles at Prowl). They're the ultimate high-priced legal team! OJ Simpson: First this courtroom, tomorrow the world! Kid: Who can stop 'em?! Announcer: Behold the Jurybots! A special twelve-warrior gestalt team with soldiers who are of average intelligence. They combine to form Jurisoid, a walking monstrosity with an IQ that is well below average! (cut to the animation. Starscream, Divebomb and Swindle are firing missiles at the jury, and then they combine.) Starscream: "Sequester this!" (fires missile) Jurisoid: "Jurisoid angry! You not nice! Me no liiiiiike! Jurisoid crush you all! You look baaaaaad when me Jurisoid write book!" Announcer: (quietly) Jurybot alternates are sold separately. Singers: The Transformers! Robots in disguise! Announcer: All will be forced to rise when the honorable Judge Lance "Terminator" Ito hits the court, and all will fall when they are hit by his striking gavel action! Kid playing with the Ito headmaster: "I cite you for contempt!" (the hammer arm strikes Shapiro, who falls into Cochran, who falls into OJ, who falls into the Lawyercons). Announcer: But his fury is increased tenfold when he combines with Omega Supreme! Omega transforms from LA court playset, to defensive battle station, to courtroom combat tank and finally into a devastating robot! (switch to cartoon footage of Omega changing from Judge Ito's throne into combat tank.) Omega: "Who dares to approach the bench?" (OJ's lawyers run away screaming) Ito: (Laughs) "Justice will be served! I'll strike YOU from the record!" (the kid fires a missile from Omega's tank turret and sends the Bronco- mode Trailbreaker flying off the road.) Announcer: But this battle isn't over yet! OJ Simpson is binary bonded to Punch/Counterpunch! But is he good (shows a picture of Punch) or evil? (quickly transformed to Counterpunch) The fate of OJ Simpson is in your hands with OJ Master Transformers! (The real Marcia Clark, Johnny Cochran and Judge Ito hold up their transformers, simultaneously say "AWESOME!" and start shooting at each other with the spring launched weapons). Announcer: Buy OJ Masters now and get a free collectors card and special evidence from the real OJ Simpson murder trial! Special bonus evidence transforms under inconsistent testimony! Kid: OJ's DNA is transforming into an unpaid South American drug dealer! Cool! Announcer: And coming soon...OJ Master Transformers, Generation 2! This time it features Kato Kaelin, Faye Resnick and Ted Koppel! (cut to cartoon footage where Ted Koppel transforms into Dead End's head) Dead End (bored voice): You are right Ted. There's just too much coverage. What's the point? Singers: OJ Master Transformers! OOOOOOOOOOOH! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH! MORE THAN MEEEEEETS THE EYE! (explosion sound, end of commercial) DF "I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything" -- Bart and OJ Simpson