From mfrose@provide.net Sat Oct 2 01:49:04 1999 Received: from dns1.provide.net (root@dns1.provide.net [207.206.116.33]) by grex.cyberspace.org (8.6.13/8.6.12) with ESMTP id BAA27035 for ; Sat, 2 Oct 1999 01:48:54 -0400 Received: from provide.net (usr04-075.provide.net [206.68.93.203]) by dns1.provide.net (8.9.0/8.9.3) with ESMTP id BAA03709 for ; Sat, 2 Oct 1999 01:47:32 -0400 (EDT) Message-ID: <37F59C5E.67E418D3@provide.net> Date: Sat, 02 Oct 1999 01:47:10 -0400 From: Martin Rose Organization: The Limbaugh Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.61 [en] (Win95; I) X-Accept-Language: en,ja MIME-Version: 1.0 To: suz@cyberspace.org Subject: Fanfic submission: Pretty Painful, Sailor Eek! Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Status: RO Hi! I'm the freakjob who wrote "Hurt! Eekzer-One" a long time ago. I'm glad to see you still have a copy of that on your site. Anyway, I'm writing because I've finally discovered that the only place that kept a clear-text version of my second Eekfic (a Sailor Moon parody) has long since shut down. That just leaves the gzipped copy on the rec.arts.anime.creative archive, which has to be downloaded and can't be casually browsed. So, I'm submitting it to you to see if you'd be willing to put it up for public display. :) One of these days I suppose I should just make my own page for these things. Anyway, thanks for your attention, and for keeping the sadly diminished flame of Eek! alive. - Martin ========== fanfic starts here! when does the hurting stop?? ========== ======================================================================== Wrong Side of the Ocean in association with Smalltime Writers, International presents a painful tale of Eek! the Cat PRETTY PAINFUL, SAILOR EEK! by Martin "PCHammer" Rose Dedications: To Carmen, who's been waiting for this for a very long time; To Jeff, who could probably use the cheering-up; To Kendra, who gave me the idea for the Monster Du Jour; To Ben, who hated my first Eekfic, too; and especially to "Savage" Steve Holland, who created Eek the Cat and who probably still has no idea I'm doing this. Theme song: [Sorry, you're on your own to envision the opening sequence.] Fighting evil by moonlight, Getting hurt by daylight! Fleeing from the jaws of Sharkite; He is the one named Sailor Eek! When he screams and runs around like a fool, You can tell he's really losing his cool, "It never hurts to help", that's his rule, Unless your name is Sailor... Sailor Dextrose! Sailor Maltose! Sailor Lactose! Sailor Fructose! His name is really Sailor Sucrose, But in the song he's Sailor Eek! [bridge] Fighting evil by moonlight, Getting hurt by daylight! With the Squishy Scouts to hang tight, He is the one named Sailor Eek! He is the one named Sailor Eek! He is the one -- Sailor Eek! [It's another pleasant day in downtown McTropolis. The early afternoon sun shines overhead, casting its carefree warmth across everything and everyone, seeming to render the entire world in pleasant colors and bright pastels. On a sidewalk adjacent to a street in the midst of a midday lull in activity, a small, purple cat cÌç>(!>2!†J!>U¿~£8DÀЧF÷v↗2W–W266ææ–ærF†R66VæW'’&÷WB†–Òv—F‚'&öB6Ö–ÆRö↗2Цf6RåÐРФVV³¢·VÖ&–‚Âv†B&VWF–gVÂF’v&Ò7Vç6†–æRÂÆV6çB6ööÂЦ'&VW¦RÂæBæòÆ–fR×F‡&VFVæ–ærW&–Âv†G6öWfW"ââàРХ´VV²vÆ·2&Æ—76gVÆÇ’7B6†F÷w’ÆÆW’v†W&RÖ6¶VB&æF—B—2Ц†VÇ–ær†ÆW726—F—¦Vâ'B6ö×ç’v—F‚†—2–æ6öÖRv—F‚F†R–BöbЧ6–FV&Ò&÷Vv†Ç’F†R6—¦Röb†÷v—G¦W"ÂæB6VV×2Væv&Röb6ÖÆÂFörЧ––ærg&çF–6ÆÇ’B†–Òg&öÒv—F†–â&¶VB6"â A thermometer visible inside the car reads about 250 degrees Fahrenheit and still climbing.] Eek: ...yes sir, it's a perfect day to go and visit my favorite video arcade! [Shortly, the windowed shopfront of the Crown Game Center comes into view. He pauses just outside the door, looking up at a poster advertising one of the new games.] Eek: Hmmm. "Deathly Fighting 27: The Ultimate in Texture-Rendered Polygon-Mapped Dismemberment-Laden Fighting Action". It's so nice to see such originality these days. [He walks toward the arcade, the doors parting obediently for him the moment he steps on the pressure-pad outside. He steps inside--] Eek: It's these fresh, new ideas that keep the *EENNG!* [--and they launch themselves shut the moment he's through, quite firmly ensnaring his tail. He manages to turn around and grab hold of his tail, and pulls with all his might, pushing on the doors with his feet. With much grunting and straining, he pulls himself free, flinging himself into the arcade.] Eek: AAAAAAAA-*OOF!* [His flight ends with his back plastered against the side of a "Chainsaw Defenders" video game. The machine currently has two school-nerd types, horn-rimmed glasses and all, wildly mashing at the buttons and flailing with the joysticks; the machine emits screams, chainsaw growls, and meaty splattering noises. They're playing so wildly that they didn't even notice Eek's bone-jarring impact. He peels himself off the side of the machine and looks around, wandering among the consoles.] Eek: I'll have to keep an eye on the clock. I'm supposed to be at Professor Wiggluna's Magic Shrine in ten minutes for a meeting with the rest of the Squishy Scouts. Little do these fine people realize that I am actually Sailor Sucrose, leader of the mighty Squishy Scouts, defenders of Truth, Niceness and Good Oral Hygiene. [He pauses in front of the claw-crane machine, which is filled with cute little pastel bears in tartan-minikilted, sailor-suit-looking costumes, to look around the arcade. He smiles as he spots a familiar face.] Eek: Hey, Mittens! [He jogs over to stand beside a lanky, light-blue-furred cat wearing red mittens and a white work apron, who nearly leaps at the sound of his name. The cat turns to look, and seems relieved (or as close to relieved as he can get) by what he finds.] Mittens: (tense, as usual) Hey, Eek, man, don't do that, man! Eek: Oh, I'm sorry -- I'd completely forgotten about your hypertension problem. Have you had a chance to try that new game advertised on the poster outside? Mittens: I'd love to, man, but I can't, man! All the games are built for _human_ sized people, man, and I'm just a _cat_! I can't reach the _controls_, man! Eek: (pensive) Hmmm ... I know what you mean. I've often wondered just why I come here all the time when I can't play the games myself, seeing as how I lack opposable thumbs and all. It could just be something that had to happen for the sake of a complete parody, but I suppose that's a question for another time. New voice: You said it, Meatball-Head! [Eek turns, looking up at the source of the new voice; a tall, red-nosed elk, wearing a bright red sweater with a huge, yellow "E" on the front.] Eek: Oh, hello there, Elmo! Why did you call me Meatball-Head? Elmo: Well, I think it's because you have a meatball on your head! [Eek reaches up, feels around the top of his head, and removes a meatball which has been stuck there for some time.] Eek: By golly, you were right! Next time, I'll have to be more careful walking by that Sbarro's place. [He tosses it aside.] Eek: So, what brings you here to this fine and reputable establishment? Elmo: Oh, um ... I was going to talk with Mittens here about, uh, a part-time job! Yeah, I'm in the middle of a teensy little financial pinch right now. Eek: Really? Why's that? Elmo: Well, little Timmy needs an operation. He accidentally swallowed his Brightly-Colored Shiny-Armored Noisy Ninja HyperZord action figure and we need to get it taken out! [Eek looks over at Timmy, who is standing not far away with a huge, robot-shaped lump protruding from the middle of his neck.] Eek: Gosh, that's awful! Is there anything I could do to assist with poor Timmy? After all, it never hurts to help! Elmo: Heh-heh! Don't you worry about me, little kitty, I'm sure everything will work out just fine! Eek: That's great to hear, Elmo. [Eek glances down at his wristwatch.] Eek: Kumbayah, look at the time! I'd better get going! See you later, Mittens, Elmo! [Waving, Eek jogs toward the exit. Mittens and Elmo watch him leave, and then immediately turn back toward each other. Elmo reaches into his sweater, producing a bundled stack of greenbacks, and hands the bills over to Mittens.] Elmo: Here you go, Mittens! You know what to do. Mittens: Right, man, but I gotta warn ya, they're givin' out pretty heavy odds against the Squishy Scouts tonight. Word on the street is that ol' Sharkite's sendin' in his most ruthless monster, man! It's gonna be game over, man! Elmo: Oh, don't you worry none about that! You just put that whole wad on those good ol' fightin' bears! I've got an angle! (wink) Heh-heh! [Meanwhile, Eek has reached the doors. As before, they part quickly at his approach, but he pulls to a stop before going through. He snickers good-naturedly to himself as he gathers his tail forward, holding it in his paw so it won't trail behind himself.] Eek: Not this time. You know the old saying: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..." [He steps forward, and the doors slam on him as he passes halfway through, squashing him.] Eek: *GNNG!* (strained) "...gosh it hurts..." [Scene change. The ever-popular ominous Negaverse music plays as our view pans down an eerie, enormous pillar of raw, unsculpted stone, cast in hues of blood red and ice blue by the haunted-house lighting of this gloomy sanctum. Oddly, it seems to form the pattern of a ghostly Confederate flag, if you squint just right. At the foot of the pillar is seated the wicked ruler of this dismal abode -- an enormous pink she- cat in a tight navy-blue ball gown with a black bow atop her head. Her hands constantly gesture around a glowing crystal ball levitating directly in front of her; the ball would be supported by a claw-topped staff directly underneath it, if the ball and staff were not both floating in midair. Her lips part and her voice lashes out in a thoroughly incongruous Southern U.S. accent.] Queen Barrel: Sharkite, I summon you. Come forth! [A pillar of sickly purple flame erupts some distance in front of the Queen, soon dissipating to reveal a sharkdog, standing upright and wearing a deep gray uniform jacket with red trim. He bows to the Queen, then rises to face her.] Sharkite: *grr* *rk* *grr* [subtitle: Yes, my Queen.] Queen Barrel: I see your current scheme to gather energy for the Negaverse is proceedin' quite well. Sharkite: *grr* *rk* *grr* [subtitle: Thank you, my Queen.] Queen Barrel: The people of McTropolis are so easily fooled. All it took was a few well-placed infomercials and our special workout videotape was in every household in the city! Now, thanks to you, everyone is Sweatin' To The Negaforce! Sharkite: *rk* *mm* *grr* *rk* *grr* [subtitle: I already know that, my Queen.] Queen Barrel: Yes, but I didn't want to read it in your subtitles. They give me a headache! But enough'a this. It's about that time in our evil scheme when the Squishy Scouts should try to foil our plans. Sharkite: *grr* *mm* *mm* *grr* *rk* *mm* *grr* *grr* [subtitle: I expect them to strike tonight. When they do, we'll be waiting.] Queen Barrel: Good dog! Remember, y'all can deal with the other Squishy Scouts as you will -- but bring that cutie-pie, Sailor Sucrose, to me! [Sharkite looks irked for a moment, and bows to the throne again.] Sharkite: *grr* *rk* *grr* [subtitle: Yes, my Queen.] [Scene change. Not long afterward, Eek's jog slows as he approaches the entrance of a place clearly labeled with a large sign as "Professor Wiggluna's Magic Shrine". He climbs the steps leading up from the gate and makes his way to the Shrine itself, which is rather obviously a large, goofily-designed observatory/planetarium with a pagoda roof added -- the huge protruding telescope gives it away.] Eek: Well, here I am at the Shrine. The Squishy Scouts meeting should be starting any minute now. [He strolls around the Shrine, waving to the elderly caretaker sweeping the garden.] Eek: Good afternoon, Kind Near-Sighted Old Widow Lady, ma'am! [The Widow Lady pauses her sweeping to wave back.] Widow Lady: Why, good afternoon to you, too, Mr. Sinatra! So nice to see you looking fit again! [Eek stops in mid-pace just past the Widow Lady, head twisting around to gape at her unconcerned back as she resumes annoyedly pushing the flowers out of the soil with her broom.] Widow Lady: Drat these pesky weeds! It's getting so a body can't keep a clean sidewalk anymore! [After a long moment of realizing that trying to set her straight would be both futile and pointless, he continues to the side entrance to the Shrine. The paper door pushes easily aside, revealing a hinged steel door behind it -- further evidence that the temple's appearance is most likely a facade. Not even stopping to consider it an anomaly, Eek turns the handle and pushes the door open, walking in, sliding the paper door shut, then letting the steel door swing closed.] Eek: (waving) Hi there, fellow champions of niceness! [Within, seated around a central table in a Justice-League motif room, the four Squishy Bears -- Puffy, Cozy, Wuz-Wuz and Pierre -- turn to look toward the new arrival, as does Professor Wiggluna, a small old astronomer with a yellow crescent moon in the middle of his forehead.] Pierre: Ah, mon kitty, you are zhust in time! Wuz-Wuz: Yeah, another minute and there wouldn't have been any of the glazed ones left! [Wuz-Wuz helps himself to a chocolate-coated donut with colorful candy sprinkles from the plate in the center of the table. Eek hops into his seat.] Eek: You're right, Wuz-Wuz. We must never lose sight of the important things in life. Thanks for saving me one, Cozy. Cozy: No problem! [Cozy puts away the ring of miniature bear traps set around the last couple glazed donuts, allowing Eek to take them.] Puffy: Professor Wiggluna, wasn't there some sort of Squishy Scout business you wanted to bring up? [Professor Wiggluna looks up, his mouth and mustache stained with chocolate from the creme danish he's been munching on. He seems quizzical at first, but then his eyes jump open with sudden realization.] Wiggluna: Egad, you're right! [Professor Wiggluna quickly cleans his facial stains with his napkin and hops down from his chair, pacing around the table.] Wiggluna: Squishy Scouts, the time has once again come for us to put an end to the Negaverse's evil scheme to steal energy from the people of McTropolis! Pierre: It is? (checks his watch) Crepe suzette, it *is* zhat time! I had lost zhe track! Wiggluna: I have been carefully following the threads of lost energy around the city, and have traced their source to ... THIS! [Professor Wiggluna produces a box from behind his back, holding it up for the whole group to see. It is the bright, colorful slipcover for a video tape, with a picture of Sharkite in exercise sweats on the cover and the words "Sweatin' to the Negaforce!" printed below.] Squishy Bears and Eek: (collective gasp!) Wiggluna: These exercise tapes have been distributed all over McTropolis! When played, the tape compels its viewer to exercise like mad, all the while draining away their energy until none is left, and transmitting that energy to the Negaverse! [As Professor Wiggluna speaks, we cut away briefly to a scene of the mother of Eek's family putting a "Sweatin' to the Negaforce!" tape into her VCR, then aerobicizing energetically to it, while still wearing her ever-present walkman and muttering obscure foreign phrases and their unlikely translations. She grows weary and heavy-eyed as she goes through the routine, her energy visibly seeping out of her and into the TV in mist-like wisps, but still she continues the workout until, at last, she collapses into the chair behind her, completely spent.] Eek: Kumbayah! How diabolical. Cozy: Those Negaverse guys sure are clever! Puffy: Maybe they are, but they're also mean! Wuz-Wuz: Yeah, we should make them give all that energy back! Pierre: But first we have to find zhem! Zhis is a big city, zhat will not be a simple thing to do! Eek: Don't worry, Pierre, I'm sure Professor Wiggluna's already used his highly scientific devices and stuff to find the source of these tapes! Haven't you, Professor? Wiggluna: (clears throat) Actually, I just checked the address on the back of the tape sleeve. (adjusts his glasses, reading the address) Energy Thief Productions, 13 Dark Evil Way, McTropolis. (looks back toward the group) That is your target, Squishy Scouts! Go to that address, and destroy those tapes! [The Squishy Bears and Eek all thrust a fist into the air.] Squishy Bears and Eek: Right! [They all hop out of their seats and run toward the door, with Eek calling over his shoulder as he runs.] Eek: Don't you worry, Professor! The Squishy Scouts will put a stop to this naughtiness! [Professor Wiggluna waves to the exiting group.] Wiggluna: Good luck, Squishy Scouts! [After the door closes, Professor Wiggluna stops waving, looks right, looks left, and then dives for the table, snatching the first pastry within reach. He's about to chomp down on it when he stops, looks thoughtful, and then turns back toward the door.] Wiggluna: Hmmm ... perhaps I should have told them that Sharkite will most likely be expecting them and waiting with a deadly ambush. (ponder) Ahh, they'll figure it out. (chomp) =====COMMERCIAL========================================================= [Scene: Sailor Jupiter charges out of a wooded clearing, dashing to a significant open space and whirling around. Hot on her heels are several children-looking Negamonsters.] Negamonster 1: There's Lita! Negamonster 2: Catch her Jupiter Charms! Jupiter: Eat this! JUPITER THUNDER, CRASH!! [Sailor Jupiter's power lashes out, incinerating the Negamonsters and turning them to dust.] Jupiter: Always after me Jupiter Charms, the frosted oat cereal with marshmallow surprises! Pink roses, yellow lightning-bolts, green oaks, and blue stormclouds! Part of this good-- Venus (somewhere off-screen): Whoa! What's with that freaky Irish accent? Mars (also off-screen): Oh, she's just trying to sound like her old boyfriend. Jupiter: Hey, cut it out you guys! [At this point, more Negabrats leap from the foliage.] Negamonster 3: There she is! Negamonster 4: Your cereal shall power the Negaverse! Jupiter: I'll show you power! JUPITER THUNDERCLAP, ZAP!! o/~ Frosted Jupiter Charms -- they're shockingly delicious! =====END=COMMERCIAL===================================================== [Scene change. Under the dark blue canvas of the McTropolis nighttime sky, Eek and the Squishy Bears stand near the wall of a drab-sided business building. Peering around the corner, they see their objective, surrounded by a wide yard and a chain-link fence: a tall, clean warehouse with the words "Energy Thief Productions" lettered across its face.] Puffy: Well, guys, that's the place! Cozy: (dubious) It doesn't _look_ very scary. Pierre: Ah, but looks can be for deceiving you, mon ami! Zhe Negaverse, she is not always telling with zhe truth! Puffy: You're right, Pierre! Ready to lead us in, Eek? Eek: Gee, Puffy, I think we may want to make a plan first. I mean, what if the evil general Sharkite was expecting us, and waiting inside with a deadly ambush? We wouldn't want to be caught with our fur down. (light snicker) Wuz-Wuz: Oh, come on, Eek, you're just being paranoid! After all, if Sharkite were expecting us and waiting inside with a deadly ambush, Professor Wiggluna would have told us about it back at the Magic Shrine, right? Eek: (brightens) By golly, Wuz-Wuz, you're right! Okay, gang -- let's frost the Negaverse! Squishy Bears: (nod) Right! [Eek thrusts a paw into the air. Cue transformation music.] Eek: (echoey voice) SUGAR ... PRESWEETENED ... POWER! [The background fades away, replaced by a racing, whirling backdrop of bright pastels. Eek's eyes open, then blink twice, before the bright, flickering pink silhouette of his form spins first away from the camera, and then close-up again, stopping with a golden happy-face button clearly visible on his chest. It twinkles, filling the screen with light for a moment, and then erupts in a blossom of ribbons which completely encircle Eek's torso, and then wrap tight--] Eek: *GNNNG!!* [--a little too tight, sorry, before flashing and becoming a solid white leotard with a blue sailor-suit collar, exploding in a brief display of sugar molecule ball-and-stick models. The camera pans up as his arms cross in front of his head, and another band of ribbons wraps around them, mistakenly catching his throat in the process--] Eek: *GLAAKK!!* [--and release him as they become a pair of solid red gloves. Panning down, his legs also get the wrap-and-solidify treatment, though nothing seems to go hurtfully wrong this time. The screen whites out on the sparkling molecule model aftereffect, returning to a display of what looks like a fluttering tartan-plaid curtain, but then pulls back to reveal it's the minikilt on Eek's costume. He spins slowly as the view pulls away, his body no longer a shimmering silhouette, then looks behind himself--] Eek: Huh? [--and flicks his tail to remove the boot that's appeared at the end of it. The camera closes in on the shining spot that's appeared on his forehead, which glows, expands and dims to become a golden tiara with a bright red jewel on the forehead, with two golden caps over his ears. The view pulls back to show his completed costume, and he poses in front of a finally-still backdrop that looks like the backing of an action- figure package.] Eek: I am SAILOR SUCROSE! *OOF!!* [He gets clocked on the side of his head by the boot he'd tossed away earlier, and falls over. End transformation music.] [The backdrop is the alley at nighttime once more, and Eek sits up, a ring of tiny crescent moons whirling around his head for a moment before he squeezes his eyes shut, shaking the dizziness away.] Sailor Sucrose: Guh ... there's got to be an easier way to do that. [The other Squishy Bears are standing nearby, transformed into their Squishy Scout minikilted costumes.] Sailor Fructose (Pierre): Quickly, mon kitty, take my cute little paw and let us be on zhe way! [Eek accepts Pierre's proffered paw and gets up.] Sailor Sucrose: Right you are, Sailor Fructose! Okay, Squishy Scouts -- let's get in there and show those bad guys what nice Scouts do! Squishy Scouts: (nod) Right! [The Scouts dash across the darkened street, pausing at the gate of the fence. They peer around for signs of activity; although there are deep whirring sounds and ominous lights glowing through the high-mounted windows of the warehouse itself, the lot is vacant.] Sailor Dextrose (Wuz-Wuz): The coast is clear! [The Scouts begin their slow, careful advance on the building itself.] Sailor Lactose (Cozy): It sure is quiet. Sailor Fructose: Oui, mon ami. Zhere seems to be too much of zhe quiet. Sailor Sucrose: It sure isn't quiet inside the warehouse. They're probably still making copies of that evil exercise video! Sailor Maltose (Puffy): Well, then we'd better get in and stop them! Let's go! [The Scouts silently run the remaining distance to the nearest door, still wary of the lack of either guards or alarms. Even as they run, though, they are watched from high atop an adjacent building by a shadowy figure. Only a fluttering cape, a top hat, and a pair of antlers can be seen on the mysterious stranger as he watches the Squishy Scouts enter the warehouse...] [Scene change. Sharkite stands before an enormous machine, helpfully labeled "Tape-Copy-O-Matic", watching it spit out tape after evil tape with a satisfied, razor-sharp smile.] Sharkite: *grr* *mm* *grr* *rk* *mm* *rk* *grr* *mm* [subtitle: Excellent ... soon, this entire pathetic city will be fuel for the Negaverse.] Voice from Shadows: Sorry, Mr. Negaverse Bad-Guy, but your plans are about to be canceled! Sharkite: (unmoving, grin widens just a bit) *rk* *mm* *grr* [subtitle: So, you've finally come.] [Behind Sharkite, a group of silhouettes lights up to reveal the Squishy Scouts in a collection of absurd poses.] Sailor Sucrose: (still posing) That's right, you pawn of not-niceness! Videotapes are a source of high-quality fun for the whole family, and allow us to see wonderful things like The Dukes of Hazzard and Andy Griffith and Diff'rent Strokes and Baywatch and Gallagher and Melrose Place and Saved By The Bell when they're not on the air, but you've turned them into tools of evil! The Squishy Scouts are here to put a stop to your nasty, unkind ways! [Close-up on Sailor Sucrose as he performs the last of his poses.] Sailor Sucrose: On behalf of the Food Pyramid, I'll punish you! [In the long, tense silence that follows, no one on either side moves or speaks. Finally...] Sharkite: (turns to face the Squishy Scouts) *rk* *grr* *mm* [subtitle: Are you done now?] [The Squishy Scouts go wide-eyed and emit a collective *gasp!*] Sailor Sucrose: Kumbayah! It's Sharkite, the evil general of Queen Barrel's dark minions! Sailor Dextrose: (quietly) Oh boy, we're really in for it now... Sharkite: *grr* *rk* *grr* *mm* *rk* *grr* *rk* *rk* *mm* *mm* [subtitle: Much as I would enjoy staying to watch your defeat firsthand, I'm afraid I can't, since I'm hosting the Negaverse pay-per- view simulcast.] Sailor Maltose: Wow, a simulcast! That means we're on TV! Sailor Lactose: Wouldn't want to disappoint our fans! [Sailors Maltose, Lactose, Dextrose and Fructose zip-exit, and return a moment later without their Squishy Scout uniforms, but with straw hats and canes instead. As Sharkite and Sailor Sucrose blink dumbfoundedly, the music starts, and they begin to dance and sing:] Squishy Bears: We're the Squishy Bears And we're right over there, We're the squishiest Bears you know! We are Squishy Bears 'Cause we have squishy hairs, Here come the swell-- [Sharkite has recovered his composure.] Sharkite: (simmering) *GRRRRRR* [The music needle-scratches loudly and falls silent, along with the Squishy Bears. After a nervous moment, the Bears retreat in a cloud of dust and discarded straw hats, reappearing behind Sailor Sucrose in their Squishy Scout costumes.] Sharkite: *rk* *mm* *grr* *rk* *grr* *grr* [subtitle: Laugh while you can, Squishy Scouts, because your reckoning has come! Farewell!] [Sharkite vanishes in a plume of purple flame, leaving the Scouts alone. They move slowly to where Sharkite had been standing only moments ago, looking warily and worriedly around as they go.] Sailor Lactose: Um ... Y-y-you guys aren't scared of Sh-Sh-Sharkite's threats ... r-r-right? Sailor Dextrose: I dunno, he sounded pretty serious to me... Sailor Sucrose: Well, at least he's left us here alone with his nasty tape-making machine. If we work together, maybe we can put it out of commission before his evil Negaverse hench-monster-- [Sailor Sucrose pauses as the entire warehouse rumbles with the BOOM of a tremendous impact.] Sailor Sucrose: (swallows heavily) ...gets here... [The Squishy Scouts continue looking around, now in wide-eyed fear, as the warehouse continues to tremble with each slow, successively closer BOOM. We are treated to one shaking close-up of each Scout in succession, plus a gratuitous shot of the ripples in a standing glass of water. Finally, a pair of enormous hands reach around and over one corner of the Tape-Copy-O-Matic, grasping onto it as their owner's shadow looms over it...] Sailor Sucrose: (gasp!) Oh my GOSH!! IT'S-- [The enormous shadow moves into the light, revealing dark hair, menacing eyebrows and bad teeth. The titan pauses to regard the Squishy Scouts, and then, in a deep growl of a voice, says one word:] Giant: Yum. [The Squishy Scouts stand ramrod-straight, shivering as they scream at the top of their lungs in perfect unison.] Squishy Scouts: (unison) THE GIANT WHO THINKS SQUISHY SCOUTS MIGHT TASTE GOOD!! [Sailor Sucrose recovers his composure and speaks encouragingly to the others.] Sailor Sucrose: But don't worry, gang! I know we can beat him, so long as we don't panic! [Naturally, the remaining Squishy Scouts immediately go into an extended bellowing panic, screaming and running around in tight circles.] All other Squishy Scouts: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Sailor Sucrose: (getting trampled) OOF! EEGH! OUCH! GNNG! HELP! AAGH! [The panic subsides, and the Squishy Scouts are now huddled in a quivering, multicolored mass, teeth chattering as they watch the Giant step forward. Their chattering grows louder, and their eyes wider, as one of his titanic hands reaches forward, getting closer, closer... [A flash of red zaps diagonally across the screen!] Giant: (confused) Huh? [Cue Spanish-guitar sting music. The Giant recoils slightly, staring at the bizarre object that just came between him and his intended meal: Timmy, Elmo's young companion, who is now firmly planted antler-first in the floor of the warehouse, and who still has a large robot-shaped lump in his throat.] Sailor Sucrose: (recovered and suddenly hopeful) Kumbayah! [Smiling, Sailor Sucrose turns and looks up toward the windows far above. There, standing proudly, cape fluttering in the breeze, is a red-nosed, tuxedo-clad elk with a masquerade-ball mask.] Sailor Sucrose: Tuxedo Elk! You saved us! Tuxedo Elk: (grandly gesturing) Good fortune comes to those who always floss their teeth! Your lucky numbers are 5, 9, 12 and 31! [The Squishy Scouts stare dumbly up at Tuxedo Elk, each one making a little "plink" sound as they blink. Tuxedo Elk waits a moment for a reaction, gets none, then realizes that he just spouted utter nonsense.] Tuxedo Elk: (gesturing again) I mean, uh ... You will be advanced in your job position through no effort of your own! [The Scouts continue staring at Tuxedo Elk.] Tuxedo Elk: Um ... Never eat spinach with a stranger? [More staring. Tuxedo Elk begins fishing through the pockets of his suit; small slips of fortune-cookie paper are scattered about as he looks them over.] Tuxedo Elk: (looking at each slip in turn) Darn it, I had a good one just a minute ago ... No ... No, not that one ... Did that one already ... No ... Oo! Save that puppy for later! Heh-heh! ... Uh-uh ... Nope ... Ah-ha! Here we are! [Tuxedo Elk jams the slips back into his pocket and makes with the grandiose gesture again. His Spanish-guitar sting music restarts.] Tuxedo Elk: Believe in yourselves, Squishy Scouts! Teamwork is your greatest strength! [At last, the Squishy Scouts seem impressed.] Squishy Scouts: Ooooooo. Sailor Maltose: Wow. That's deep. [The Giant glares at Tuxedo Elk, who bigsweats in response.] Giant: *deep growl* Tuxedo Elk: (nervous grin) Well ... heh-heh! Gotta go! [Tuxedo Elk exits rapidly, cape fluttering behind him as he leaps back out the window. The Squishy Scouts continue to gaze up after him.] Sailor Sucrose: Gosh, that Tuxedo Elk sure is swell. I wonder who he really is... Sailor Fructose: (taps Sailor Sucrose on shoulder) I think we are having ozhere things to be thinking about, mon kitty! Zhe Giant, she is looking not very happy! [The Giant, indeed, looks quite displeased with the delays, and as hungry as ever.] Giant: *louder growl* Sailor Sucrose: Well, fellas, you heard what Tuxedo Elk said! It's time to use our mightiest combined team power! Sailor Lactose: Good idea, Sailor Sucrose! Okay guys, let's do it! Squishy Scouts: (pose) Right! [Each of the Squishy Scouts takes a different ridiculous pose, and, as the Giant watches suspiciously, they all cry out in unison.] Squishy Scouts: (unison) SQUISHY ... FROSTED ... PASTEL ... RUN AWAAAAAAAY!!! [Cue Eek chase/theme music. Bellowing at the top of their lungs, the Squishy Scouts flee as though their kilts were on fire. The Giant growls again and gives chase. Back and forth they run, with the Squishy Scouts screaming for dear life and scampering as fast as their cute little paws can carry them, the entire warehouse quaking with each of the Giant's thundering footfalls, and the Tape-Copy-O-Matic merrily churning out copies of "Sweatin' to the Negaforce!" at its usual, unconcerned pace. This continues until, during the fiftieth lap around the Tape-Copy-O-Matic, Sailor Sucrose notices something.] Sailor Sucrose: Oh my gosh! Timmy! [Indeed, Timmy is still right where Elmo had thrown him earlier: feet pointed toward the upper windows, his antler still planted firmly in the floor and the toy robot still visible in his throat. Sailor Sucrose pulls to a stop; the rest of the Squishy Scouts charge right past him, still howling in mortal terror.] Sailor Sucrose: (obviously concerned) This is no place for an innocent young child! There's a dangerous and scary monster from the Negaverse on the loose here! He might do something bad and unkind to you, like offering you too many sweets before your dinner and spoiling your appetite! I'll help you get free so you can get to safety! [Sailor Sucrose grabs onto Timmy's legs, braces himself and pulls mightily, bravely ignoring the shaking of the floor as the Giant stomps closer.] Sailor Sucrose: (straining) NNNNNGG!! Don't you worry, Timmy! HNNNNNGG!! You'll be free in a jiffy! GNNNN-- [The antler comes free in the middle of Sailor Sucrose's heave...] Sailor Sucrose: --WAAAAAH!! (flails, then falls flat on his back) Oof! [...sending little Timmy soaring like an antler-bearing missile. His trajectory puts him on a direct collision course for the Giant...] Giant: (startled) Uh? [...and, as the titanic brute watches dumbly, Timmy smacks him right between the eyes, jabbing each eye with one antler and ricocheting to sail directly out the window Tuxedo Elk had left open. The Giant roars in pain and slaps a hand over his eyes.] Giant: OOOWWW!! Eeeyyyes huuurrrrt!! Caaannn't seeeee!! [As Sailor Sucrose watches, the Giant takes a faltering step, loses his balance, and then begins to fall ... directly toward him.] Sailor Sucrose: (wild take as shadow overtakes him) AAAAAAAHHHH!! [Sailor Sucrose's scream cuts short as he watches the Giant's falling form loom over him, and past him, until...] [*KA-RASH!* The Giant falls directly onto the Tape-Copy-O-Matic, crushing it as he knocks himself unconscious, bringing its constant stream of wicked exercise videos to an abrupt halt.] Sailor Sucrose: (wiping sweat from brow) Whew! Gee, that was a close one. Looks like our job here is done-- [The Squishy Scouts stampede by again, right under the fallen Giant's suspended legs, still screaming bloody murder. Sailor Sucrose watches them go by in mute fascination, and then resumes:] Sailor Sucrose: --the Negaverse threat to McTropolis is once again stopped, and everyone is safe and sound! [The remains of the Tape-Copy-O-Matic begin to spark and sizzle, and abruptly catch fire.] Sailor Sucrose: (swallow heavily) mostly. [Cut to far-away view of the Energy Thief Productions warehouse, which is soon demolished from within by a tremendous mushroom-cloud-producing explosion. The Giant, still out cold, is hurled into the night sky and vanishes from sight.] [Cut back to what used to be the inside of the warehouse, to the charred, twitching mass that is Sailor Sucrose, next to the crater that was once the Tape-Copy-O-Matic.] Sailor Sucrose: (strained) ...gosh it hurts... [The Squishy Scouts run by screaming again. Sailor Sucrose doesn't even give them a glance.] [We pull back from this scene, to show the rounded corners of a television screen framing it, and Sharkite off slightly to one side, watching it. Cut away to show Sharkite's face as he slaps a frustrated paw over his eyes.] Sharkite: (slowly shaking his head) *grr* *mm* *grr* *rk* *mm* *mm* *rk* [subtitle: Idiot.] [Scene change. As the Negaverse music plays once more, Sharkite stands before Queen Barrel's throne. She sits, gesturing around the dark sphere levitating before her as always, while he chafes over his minion's defeat and silently accepts the Queen's rebuke.] Queen Barrel: (sternly) Sharkite, you disappoint me! Not only do those li'l ol' Squishy Scouts still live, but the energy you had collected is now lost to us! Bad doggie! Sharkite: (contrite bow) *grr* *rk* *grr* [subtitle: Yes, my Queen.] Queen Barrel: Normally, y'all would be locked into the Crystal of Eternal Sleep for your failure... (brightens) ...but last night's take from the Negaverse Royal Bettin' Pool was high enough to offset the loss of energy. Everybody was dead certain the Giant would finish 'em off -- we made a killin'! Sharkite: *rk* *mm* *rk* *grr* [subtitle: That is good, my Queen.] Queen Barrel: Yes, it is... (sternly again) ...but we still must do something about your failure. Fortunately, thanks to last night's cash flow surplus, we were able to add some new help to your budget! [Sharkite regards the Queen dubiously.] Sharkite: *grr* *mm* *rk* [subtitle: New help?] Queen Barrel: That's right! (pointing into the dark throngs) You three! Come forward! [Music change. Sharkite turns around, and three new figures, each much taller than he, emerge from the shadowy perimeter of Queen Barrel's throne area and into the light. Each strongly resembles a dinosaur -- a violet parasauraphalus, a green triceratops, and a yellowish brontosaurus, respectively -- but all three are walking erect, with the triceratops the shortest of the trio. The parasauraphalus nods and addresses the Queen with a vaguely Austrian accent.] Dockite: Dockite, Kutterite and Squatite, the Terrible NegaLizards, reporting for duty, Your Majesty. Kutterite: (smacking hands together) And ready to kick some tail! Squatite: Yeah! Kill 'em all, let the archeologists sort it out! [The NegaLizards do a high-five. In case you haven't figured it out by now, the music change above was to start the Terrible Thunderlizards theme.] NegaLizards: (unison) NegaLizards rule!! [Sharkite just watches the threesome with an eminently nonplussed look.] Sharkite: *mm* *rk* *grr* *rk* *mm* *mm* [subtitle: I hate my life.] [Scene change; cue cheerful theme music. Back in McTropolis, the Squishy Bears, Eek and Wiggluna are sitting around the front stairs of the Magic Shrine.] Eek: Well, I checked with Mittens and Elmo back at the arcade. Apparently, that part-time job really paid off! Elmo said Timmy would have that operation done today and be back to normal in no time! Pierre: Zhat is zhe good news to hear, mon kitty! A throat, she is a terrible thing to waste! Wiggluna: That was excellent work you did last night against Sharkite and his monster! You should all be proud of yourselves! Cozy: Thanks, Professor! We weren't afraid of that mean ol' giant, were we guys? Wuz-Wuz: Nope, not for a minute! Puffy: Yeah, 'cause niceness always wins over badness in the end! Eek: You've got to admit, though -- for a while there, things certainly looked -hairy-! [They all enjoy a good chuckle over that one.] Eek: Well, I hope we all learned some important lessons from this-- (turns to look directly at the camera) --and we hope all you kids out there learned something, too! Like, always remember to keep your fortune cookie slips sorted! And never stand next to something that's about to explode into a million pieces! Use the buddy system when you want to have some donuts saved for you! Television is your friend when it's not trying to drain the life-energy out of you! [As Eek continues to rattle off platitude after platitude, the Squishy Bears and Professor Wiggluna get up and quietly tiptoe away, leaving him expounding into empty space.] Eek: Good antler hygiene is very important! I before E except after C! Fifty-four-forty or fight! He who hesitates is waiting for something else! Clean nasal passages are the cornerstone of a civilized society! There are a thousand and one things you can do with a blender! An apple a day keeps the doctor away if you aim carefully! People don't judge you by the size of your feet, but by whether your socks match! And... [Eek pauses, then looks thoughtful.] Eek: Hmm. I know I've missed one somewhere, but I can't seem to think of it. Hey, guys, do you know which one I forgot? [Eek looks around, finally realizing he's alone.] Eek: Guys? They're gone. That's curious ... oh well. I suppose the important lesson I've overlooked will hit me sooner or later... [Judging by the large and growing shadow that Eek has just noticed he's underneath -- not to mention the descending, whistling noise -- it looks like that'll definitely be sooner.] Eek: Huh? [Eek looks up.] Eek: (wild take) WAAAAAAAAAHHH!! [**CRUSH.** The missing lesson was: "Watch for falling giants."] [The End.] ========================================================================